..........................STUCK-ON-YOU!

RECAP:
The story so far (No previous episodes are co-related- this is a background check for your fancy)
Episode 1:
Stoned- The 3 MuskaJeers steal stones in place of diamonds, in the worst robbery ever!
The Characters:
The 3 MuskeJeers had nicknames for each other that swiped their personae sharp and clean:

*BEER*:He is passionate about BEER, bombshells, their b@@&$ and b*##$, big bucks, and all the good things in life- he leers lustily at whatever appeals to his senses.
*SEER*:He is the guy with unusual powers of foresight; he PREDICTS THE FUTURE with great accuracy, hence- the SEER- the MuskeJeers strategist, he plans like every tomorrow was running today. ‘Fear’ pushes and powers him.
*QUEER*:Strange are his ways: he’s ‘GAY and funny’- QUEER man! Like his penchant for mens’ rumps and rear-sides, he looks at every situation from the back and every possible corner and angle. He is quick and feminine, like a Deer

The Present:
Now, Beer, Seer and Queer have a MASTER.
This master is their penultimate boss. He is the Kingpin of ‘STUCK-ON-YOU’, an unidentified island on Earth. The Master is a Magician with powers unknown, even to the MuskaJeers. They have never seen their master. He is JUST A VOICE that calls on them, only when they are alone in ‘MUSKA-JUSKA’, the MuskaJeer’s house.

The Master’s belligerent voice bellows, “Beer, Seer and Queer: You have disappointed me with the diamond robbery. Youuuuu three stone-heads: you got me 3 stones instead of diamonds!”

Beer, Seer and Queer have no words and hang their head in shame.

The master feels sad looking at them. They looked truly sorry. Maybe, he had been a tad too harsh. “Alrigggggght, I only called you stone-heads, you don’t have to turn to stone for that reason, and turn away from me. I want you to be happy.”

The 3 Muskajeers look up with puppy-faces that prompt more pity in the Master’s heart than anger. “I know that look. I know you guys need that fantastic sexual break from reality.”

Queer lookS like an excited VODAFONE PUG on the run, “Master, You’re always more than ‘READY TO HELP’. Please Help.”

The master wraps the three MuskeJeers in his warm, invisible embrace. “Alright, MuskeJeers! It’s time for your Sex Vacation to my island, while I travel the world over the weekend. Now, here are the rules:

Rule 1:
I partition my island ‘Stuck-on-you’ into three parts, one each for the three of you. The three parts of the island shall be named after you: ‘Beira’, ‘Seirra’ and ‘Querida’. You shall not meet each other over the weekend.
Rule 2:
Here’s a ‘Muska-Juska Magic lamp’ for each of you. You can rub it once during your 2-day stay- make one wish and it shall be granted. Your wishes must be sexually mild-blowing fantasies.
Rule 3:
When you leave the island, you don’t take anything from there. Remember, they belong to me and me alone. Anything that you take, it become yours at your own risk.
Rule 4:
Close your eyes. You’ll be in and out in two days.

VACATION TIME:
The 3 Muskajeers stand with their eyes wide open, on their respective partition on the most Paradisiacal Island on earth: ‘Stuck-on-you’. A golden lamp with ‘Muska-Juska’ written across stays comfortably put in their arms.
The salty sea breeze is soothing. The night is naughty and nubile. The island’s bountiful beauty is bombastic. Sex sizzles in the air and on their minds.

On the Beira: (Beer’s third of the island)
Beer rubs the ‘Muska-Juska’ Magic lamp and wishes: “Master, Grant me the most boobalicious, buttalicious, curvalicious, sexalicious, lovealicious sex-kitten over the next two days.”

Master: “Sex-kitten? Think big- here’s a sex-tigress.”

She walks to him: a bedazzling ensemble of flesh and soul, dressed in nothing but a star-studded string bikini, midnight-blue Kajal and a tender coconut in her hand. She cuckoos into Beer’s ears, “Come. Command. Conquer.”

On the Querida: (Queer’s third of the island)
Queer rubs the ‘Muska-Juska’ lamp and wishes: “Master, Grant me the perfect bait that would ensnare my gay fancies both from front and behind, if you know what I mean. A six-pack horn that would have a hole on the top and bend backwards and fit into my ass-h*$* is what I fancy.”

Master: “Shah-Rukh is the perfect bait that would hook you on, but he’s busy with Karan Johar now.
And Queer, you said ‘master, grant me the bait’-
I as MASTER hereby grant you the BAIT- ‘the MASTERBAIT/MASTURBATE’ HORN.’
The HORNy HORN hoots to Queer: “Blow me. Caress me. Insert me.”

On the Seirra: (Seer’s third of the island)
Seer rubs the ‘Muska-Juska’ lamp and wishes: “Master, grant me the perfect crystal-gazer that helps me watch the futuristic place with the maximum population explosion: I’d like to fix the lights-out action.”

Master: “Right now, the only place where population explosion is happening is not in India/China; it’s in the ‘Brangelina House’- so many babies- adopted and real. They’re even talking of a child care centre that would house many more babies- peephole porn granted to you Seer.”

Through the crystal-gazer, Seer watches the most beautiful couple in the world go at it in bed- population or not, it definitely is an explosion.
Brad and Angelina whisper to Seer, “Ooh! Aah! Ouch! WATCH!”

THE VACATION ENDS:
The weekend passes by. At the end of it, Seer, Beer and Queer choose to play with rule no. 3. Their master had said: ‘Anything that you take, it becomes yours at your own risk.” They want souvenirs from their sexy vacation on the ‘STUCK-ON-YOU’ island. Seer hides the star-studded string bikini in his shorts, Beer flicks the ‘masturbate horn’ in his very loose shorts and Queer slips the crystal-gazer in his shirt pocket. They get back to their respective rooms in the ‘MUSKA-JUSKA’ house by Sunday night, longingly look at their souvenirs from the ‘STUCK-ON-YOU’ island and fall fast asleep.

The next day,
Beer gets up, walks to the full-size bathroom mirror and shrieks:
The star-studded bikini has become a part of his skin, permanently!

Queer gets up, and feels a pain in the front and back:
The ‘Masturbate Horn’ is naturally sheathed onto his front and back hole, permanently!

Seer gets up, and feels his right eye quake and pound:
The ‘crystal gazer’ stays molded to his left eyelid, permanently!

The MASTER’s voice floats across the ‘MUSKA-JUSKA’ house:
“Rule 3: When you leave the island, you don’t take anything from there. Remember, they belong to me and me alone. Anything that you take, it becomes yours at your own risk.”
Pauses and continues….
“And it all became YOURS- literally!!!!"

............................FIRST DATE- Quite a HANDful...

Life is always quite a HANDful- sometimes your hands are sewing stitches without a break, and at others, the sand just seems to be slipping from your hands. Meet Ron & Mon, while they talk about Ron's first date.

HANDy tips from the above:

-->Women think too much, and men use it to their advantage.

-->Men are not the only ones who have sex on their minds all the time.

-->Men love to speak in double entendres, without giving a sigle hint- it's called the system of 'protected-sex-talk' , akin to 'protected sex'.

Even real dates are not as delicious and tasty as these dry fruits we all sooooo love. So, how was your first date guys???Fill in.. :)

P.S.:

Talking of fruits, my first date with the fruit I've been fida over since the first date is right below:

Aren't they lovely strawberries?

They aren' t lovely strawberries, cos they're lovely litchees!!!!

GO FRUITY!! Did you the different spellins of the fruit:

litchee lichi leechee lichee lychee litchi: and I thought English spellings were difficult!!!

AN APPLE A DAY KEEPS TEH DOCTOR AWAY.

A 'DATE' A DAY KEEPS THE 'GYNECS' BUSY AND GAY!

...........................ZEROing in!

All over India, it’s suddenly going from voluptuous to violin-string-skinny. Hottest bod of the season- is size ‘0’. I’m not here to criticize or congratulate the concept.

Fashion houses become mad-houses when they’ve got to fashion a fresh-fad for the latest trend.
Here is a retail house that tries to capitalize on the size ‘0’ phenomenon.
Click on pictures to enlarge:

So, what are you zeroing in on?

ps: And i wanted people to see the idiocy in size 0, hence the nanga concept!:)

HIP- HOP skip and jump

Play the PLEAY:
I slipped into my favorite three-quarter harem pants: they were black, elastic, tight at the hips and looser near the knees. I teamed them with a short red top and a black sports-bra that encircled my neck. I looked into the mirror and gave a tiny smile of satisfaction. Hip-Hop was going to be fun today.
As I walked into my hip-hop dance class, I felt the air escape my lungs. The beats and the booty, the grooves and the gyrations, the popping and the palpitations, the sweat, the spirit and the sensuousness, the libido and the liveliness, the passion and the pressure- ooh, it was too much to take- I’m ‘THE DANCER’!

‘It was too much to take’ – does it convey passion and heat?
In reality, it was really ‘too much to take’ because-I Floundered, Fidgeted, Flailed, Fumbled, Fell Flat, Flipped all wrong- in short I was THE ‘Fucked-up’ DANCER.
But, hell- it was way too much Fun. I loved dancing, just like my bosom buds- Pretzel and Rubel. And we loved Hip-hop, or whatever WE made of Hip-Hop.

We joined Hip-hop because we loved popping, hand-stands and head-stands.
Actually, that’s a lie- we joined because that was the only week-end class available with decent timings.

I was a little late for class. I waved a big hello to Pretzel and Rubel, and joined them for the initial stretching.

‘PLEAY,’ Balaji said. I raised my foot on to the side bar, stretched forward a few times and then pleayed.

If you are wondering what the hell ‘a pleay’ is, there is no need to panic. Even we, the AIADMK (All-in-All Dubuku Mokkai Kroopu) gang of girls found it very funny when Balaji, our dance instructor had first spelt it out loud.

BEND- THE END.

‘So, what’s a pleay?’ we had initially wondered.

Balaji had come to our rescue, ‘With one leg, stretched onto the side, on the side bar, your arms holding the bar for support, and your back straight, BEND the other leg such that that thigh is parallel to the ground.’

/>‘Acrobatic,’ said Pretzel.
‘Painful’, I silently cursed.
‘At least you guys can think of playing with Pleay. My leg does not even reach the bar. Yikes!’ Pretzel and me found the painful pleay heavenly, as our inner sides cracked up at the funny situation Rubel was in. Rubel was a little on the shorter side, you see. Getting her leg on the bar was like a little kid reaching out for the jar of colorful candies on a way over-the-sky shelf.
‘Put your leg on the lower bar Rubel,’ Pretzel managed to say with a straight face. A pissed-off Rubel got her leg onto the lower bar. She had to be satisfied with the local, colorful gems on the reachable, lower shelf. She was darn cute to watch and be cuter to watch her expressions would when she reads this blog. ;)

STRETCH- THE WRETCHED RETCH

However, Pretzel’s and my joy was short-lived. Now, it was time to stretch before the dance session. Balaji came right behind a few other co-dancers, and STRETCHED their one leg on the bar as far as possible- the space between the two legs were forced apart as wide as a stout Iyer Maami’s (South Indian Brahmin Aunty) hips.
(Disclaimer: No harm intended to any region, caste, sex, size)

‘AaOOOooooooooch,’ I screamed.

No, it wasn’t because of the pain I was undergoing. The scream was in response to one of our dance-mates squirming in pain as Balaji went down on her. (Pun unintended- I meant, Balaji getting her to stretch her leg to the maximum possible extent on the side bar)

This was like gang rape- Balaji was stretching each of our one-leg-on-the-bar beyond imagination. Rubel went through it next.
When it was my turn, and Balaji ‘went down on me’, I willed funny thoughts into my head, in order to forget the terrible pain:
“1.One leg up, and the other down- I must look like a dog waiting to piss.
2.If he stretches my legs any farther apart, this may be the pink-ribbon day I lose my virginity.
3. What if he stretches me to an extent I can’t take, and I fart in his face. Yuck! But yeah, that’d keep him away from stretching me EVER again.”

When it was over, I looked at Pretzel with a sadistic smile. I thought, ‘Your chance Bebo.’
But, Pretzel, as always, was the clever B!#@*. She was last in line, and stretched on her own, even before Balaji could do the honors.
‘I have a back problem, so I did the maximum I could on my own.’ (whiney face)

Did I say it before? B!#@*

WARM-UP TO ME BABY..

I never really knew that she could dance like this.She makes a man wants to speak SpanishComo se llama (si), bonita (si), mi casa (si, Shakira Shakira), su casaShakira, Shakira…

Balaji, our flexible instructor now moved on to warm up, with this sexy Shakira number as the warm-up song. This was a nice feeling- moving around like butterflies with light wings. This was relaxing.

Relaxingggggg…
Until…
‘Now stay on your toes, bend down and do Push-ups’
‘Do girls do Push-ups, ever? I thought they only wore push-ups,’ I slyly thought.

Then Balaji went on to Ab-Crunches.
My abs and stomach knew only ‘lunches’. Crunches were real hard to get by.
I didn’t do them all too well. I consoled myself by saying that I already had a to-die-for six-pack- dying with six packs of flab and flesh.

Throughout, Balaji said, ‘Flex, don’t Point your feet. Flex in Hip-hop and Point in Jazz.’

Like we cared about jazz- hip-hop was torturous enough!
Flex or point- there was no point trying to teach us technique.


THE ROUTINE- OH NO, This is NOT A ‘ROUTINE’ CHECK-UP..

The Routine was a set of 8 moves- in one step, a series of which makes a set of routines, to perform for the song ‘Take it to the Floor’.

Now get this right- one routine--> one step-->8 --> in like 4 seconds.
Now, let me check, what did you say the speed of light was?

To top it, every step had an extra ‘and a’ peppered in.

‘And’ was no longer a conjunction, it was a step in itself. Dance defied grammar!
It was like
‘1,2,3,and a,4,5, and a, 6, 7, and a, 8.’
So sometimes a routine, i.e. a step had 11-16 moves in 4 seconds!!!

To get the hang of one move- even that was difficult. Pretzel, Rubel and I struggled to get through the 11-16 steps in 4 seconds.

When each move began to look like a cake walk, Balaji would do the 11-16 moves together in 4 secs- that’s an average of almost 3 moves in one second, when we could only do one thing 11-16 times in four seconds.
We could only let 11-16 drops of saliva drop in 4 seconds, ogling at Balaji, in awe.

(proud of it too!!)

Balaji added another clause to this deal: dance was becoming advanced grammar from Wren and Martin.
‘Don’t just do the step. Throw in THE ATTITUDE and THE ENERGY. Summa Kalainga pa! (Just go casually tease the audience)!’

Yeah right!
We pissed like dogs (kicking one leg up).

We salivated like dogs- looking at Balaji in awe.

We panted like dogs- we finally did 11 moves in 4 seconds.
Now, you wanted us to look great and throw in attitude and energy.

'JUST GO TO THE DOGS!!' (Pant pant- woof woof)

Attitude and energy- That was like spiking a cute, little, lazy Vodafone pug, and asking it to dance electrifying ‘hip hop’ and look like ‘Snoop DOGg’.

"I JUST LOST MY VIRGINITY."

Yeah, that’s exactly what my harem parents said, when I was in Splitsville- that is when I was splitting my legs and dancing a split move.
My black pants just gave away at the back, with a huge slit, right in between my butt cheeks, and my blue underwear saw the world in a whole new light!!

STEPS 5, 6, 7, 8…. SCORE 100..
After all that tossing and turning, we finally did get our moves right.
We’ve just finished our first EXAM in dance, and it feels awesome- absolutely.
We’re the first inter-2 batch across India to have been certified ‘highly commended’ by a dance school in the UK- by 2 phirangs who flew all the way to judge us. We were truly lauded and appreciated.

pa-rum-pum-pum-pum.. (trumpets and jazzy, hip-hop beats)

We're getting our picture in the papers- the whole bunch of us. :)

(Keep this confidential- actually, the entire thing was kinda 'rigged'- we were ALL ranked 'highly commended' even before the judges saw us, with our photos to be in the paper, only to encourage more people to join the dance school for hip-hop, kind of a marketing gimmick- but hell, we got a 'highly commended' certificate and an after-the-exam-party at Hawana!! So TUT-TUT..)

We had spent an ENTIRE day on shopping clothes for the exam!

....AND we didn't find one single attire we wanted ;) So, we wore what we already had.
ULTIMATELY, we ended up being dressed in black and pink, and I think we all looked really good!

...THAT IS,

if you thought

Pretzel and me, showing some cleavage, in non-hip-hop clothes looked good ;)

and Rubel in the decent hip-hop clothes looked better :)

She always made extra efforts to dress decent- what do you call wearing one black, close-necked three quarter sleeved Tee below, and one collared, Pink TEE on the top, on a day, where the temperature went up to 41 degress celcius- she was the only smart-ass hip-hoppee though!!!!!

We have a show coming up soon- will keep you posted on that..

We're 23 GOING ON 24..
AND WE’RE TURNING INTO TODDLERS of 5, 6, 7, 8 THAT DANCE...
STEPS 5, 6, 7, 8….

PS:

BALAJI, you’re the best tutor, we dance because of you- THANK YOU :):):)

Special mention:

Rubel was always told to give out more expressions, as she was concentrating on the steps, and had a monotone expression; in the end, she pulled out a million expressions from cute-to-sexy-to-hot-to-happy-to-hippie-to-heppie-to contrived-to mystical-to elusive-to open-to closed-TO MANY MORE.

JOEY( of friends)- I think Rubel could become a better actor than you! and yeah, she is a better actor even without doing her eyebrows (we didn't do our eyebrows that day)- remember Joey had to 'do his eyebrows' once..

Al-the-guys-who-love-Pretzel: (WHICH INCLUDED ALL GUYS btw, cos everyone loves pretzel)

GUYS, You can ogle at sexy Pretzel for all you care DURING HIP-HOP EXAMS, you can ogle at her 'wherever' you want to ogle and stare. SHe doesn't mind.

She wears such heavy eye-make up, that she CAN'T see WHO is looking WHERE.

(She lined our eyes the same way, it was the smoky look, of-course. )

All wired-up, boosted and padded!

I did a lot of warm-up and push-ups before the dance..

Warm-up by warming and heating my curly(PUBIC) hair into straight strands under the blow-drier.

Push-ups by wearing A push-up BRA!