Monday, May 21, 2007

CROSS MY HEART- I swear by my PROFESSION:

Today, the swirls of coffee aroma are sizzling way beyond the coffeehouse CUPPA- into the lives of Toby, Vodka, Fizza, Mocha (Me) and Rocksta.

So let’s go out there, into their work lives and spill their beans- thereby discovering the little ‘so-called-lies’ that spin their professional lives.



‘THE BEST OSCAR WINNING ACTORS ARE THE BEST LIARS- THEY FAKE IT THE BEST’ -CHRIS.

We all do those parttime lies at our fulltime jobs. Sometimes, it’s the work pressure creeping into our mortal beings, other times; it’s either the plain monotony of the job or our stormy personal lives that get to us. Mostly however, it is the overall business structure and process that implant those lies in us- like tiny time bombs that implode from time to time. Surprisingly, even when we love our jobs, we need to pepper in those tiny white lies for a smooth sail.

FULLY FAKING IT:

Call centers facilitate an entire personality tumble. One has got to fake it all the way- fake the name, fake the accent, fake the intonation, fake the nationality, fake the real you. If you ask me, I have only one thing to say- F*$% THE FAKE. However, the money is a huge luring piece of meat- and it’s for REAL. (Sadly so)

Marketers are the biggest liars, ofcourse. Hefty discounts boast of a 50% off- what one never really notices is the word in small lettering right ahead of the 50%-
up to 50%. Mostly, it’s just a 5-10% sale; that too, more of the end-of-season ageing stocks, defectives, seconds and redundant old designs. At jewellery marts, like the Rathna Stores at T-nagar, Chennai, marketers say ‘Chennayil moonaru’- Rs 666 off for every 8 grams. The Rs.666 is ofcourse more than compensated for by way of the sky rocketing Making Charges and Wastage. (A 56 gram bangle which costs Rs. 53,000 has a whopping Rs.8-10,000 Making Charge/Wastage Component). These marketing gimmicks are lies that employees at these retail outlets have to reiterate.

Can the most conscientious people stay away from these inevitable work mantraps?

Witness the 'LIES AND WORK LIVES' ofToby, Vodka, Fizza and Mocha (me):

VODKA: Boutique Owner/Freelance RJ:

Event: RJ Mirchi Bajji (Vodka) hosting the 9 ‘o’clock ‘Hello Chennai’ show.
What Happens:

VODKA: Gooooooooooooooooooooood Morrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrninnnnng Chennai! Chennai is realllllly hot today. So join me, Mirchi Bajji, in pumping the temperatures a red-hot notch higher.
VODKA thinks: (I got up this morning numb from the freezing effect of the Quadricool Hitachi Air- Conditioner, bathed in a cold shower, got transported here in my super cool Swift and got into this ever-frostbiting studio- only the weatherman thinks Chennai is hot. Duhhhhh!!!!)

VODKA: So let’s take our first caller. Hello, who’s this?

CALLER: A very Good Morning Madam. Can you recognize my voice?

VODKA: Pataabi… How can I not recognize the super, unique voice of our most frequent callers?

VODKA thinks: (Unique alright, uniquely hoarse and repelling!)
…. And the conversation goes on..
******************************
TOBY: (Store Manager at a Niche ********* Mall)

Event: Toby supervising a special ‘In-House BRAND’ Promotion in the store.
The Problem: Sales targets are high. Current Sales low. Toby needs to boost sales at any cost.
What happens: A Customer walks out of the trial room in a pair of copper-brown harem pants, looks for her boyfriend- who’s nowhere to be seen and then lays her eyes on Ruby for an appraisal.

Customer: The harem parents look good on me, Right?

Toby thinks: (They’re a little too bunched around the hips, the fork’s all wrong and the length is a little haywire. Whoever said fashion is for everyone?)
Toby: How do YOU feel about them? Today, fashion is all about personal comfort and likes. Fashion’s for everyone! (Inwardly smiles at her tact)

Customer: I’m totally upbeat about them.

Toby thinks: (I make a sale, and SHE likes them after all. Technically, it doesn’t really matter if I think she looks like a gorilla in a bikini. )
Toby: Then, they look Superb!
You like them! You buy them!

******************************

FIZZA: (Real Estate biggie and parttime Event organizer)

Event: Fizza organising Inter Collegiate Fest involving 20 colleges in Chennai. (700-800 college students)
The job at hand: Fizza has to convince the Marketing Head, ***** Cola company, for ***** Cola be the Event Sponsor of a Mr/Ms Fest Show –one of the events at the Inter Collegiate Fest.
Sponsor Amount: Rs. 20,000.

FIZZA: Good Morning Sir. Here are the brochures and program details of the event.

M.Head: (has a look at the brochures and gets an overall event brief from Fizza)
M.Head: How many students are expected to be there? Ballpark..

FIZZA: 1500.
FIZZA thinks: (Rule/White lie no. 1: always double the Head Count. Double the real no. of students 700 )

M.Head: So Apart from the flex banner, name & logo display in the side banners, how do I customize the particular event for ***** Cola, and thereby gain mileage for my brand, wrt our target audience?

FIZZA: You could crown the winners as *****Cola Ms. Fest & *****Cola Mr. Fest. The college kids are going to definitely be having strong ***** COLA BRAND ASSOCIATIONS that way.
FIZZA thinks: (White Lie 2: Which college kid cares too hoots for ***** or any other brand for that matter. They’re just going to be gawking at the sizzling babes and hunks on stage.
BRAND associations.. nahh.. BRA associations. ..yehhh)
…… FIZZA clinches the deal.
******************************


MOCHA: (parttime writer)

All the above enlisted situations (of Toby, Vodka, Fizz) are only matted concoctions of ma fabricating(READ: LYING) mind- in simpler words- I magnify little lies flying in my head, I spin tales - not my problem if these lies are rechristened ‘creativity’.
Heck! Even J.K. Rowling fantasized and fabricated a whole world of wizards.

The icing on the cake- God’s 7 day WORK of creation- creation of water, wind, night, light and life was branded a lie by Charles Darwin (Theory of Evolution).


SO WHAT’S YOUR BEST LIE AT WORK???
Rephrase
SO WHAT’S YOUR WORST LIE AT WORK???
Post your lie as a comment.

7 comments:

The Techno Maniac said...

Well overall a nice read.. Its interesting, the way you have presented it.. I like the way the characters think.. :)

Hey.. let me tell you some of the worst things that happen in our office.. Let me relate it to feminine "situations"


1) My Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Our Developers are people who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3)Our trainers from the US are people, who thinks, that a single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Our Client are those nut cases who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

5) Our Marketing Managers are people who think that, they can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) The Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

8) The quality Quality Control guy is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby..

10) My Team Lead (the only gentleman) is a person actually knows how many men and women required to deliver the baby , but will not tell anyone...

Thats my office.. Hope you enjoyed

preeti said...

hehe gurl...hw true...lyin is inevitable...call it wat u want-lyin or basically hidin the truth... :)

i somehow feel tat it is justified...cuz...well, at the end of the day everyone is slightly, if not wholly, selfish...n they gota do wat they gotta do!

imagne a sales person who seez u in a whacky tshirt n tells u-"uhhh, ma'am, tatz positively TACKY!makes ur skin looks pale n ur eyez dead..." hehe...wudnt work rite?

sometimes lyin or as i said hidin the truth is juz to said to save urself...as we do knw..itz only when they get outta control, n u cant keep track of whr wat lie uv said, tat thingz cud go awfully awry!hehe...

nice one...lotta truth in those lies :) guess tatz wat they call 'true lies'!

luv ya di panni...

Srini said...

Superb Jane! Though not many ppl are going to accept that... Interestingly my latest post in my impersonal blog could also be taken as a tangential take on faking/lying/disguising of a different kind, which affects lives much more deeply... Not to say that these are not serious issues at all, they are, just that you are as fluent as ever in couching serious stuff in jocular confabulations...

I am an academic, so I, obviously, won't stay by the Business Grads on this... lol. I know as much about Business as I do about Rocket Science, so let me abstain thereof...

But the whole point is: lies, white or not, have become such an inherent part of our lives that we are "chalta hai" about it. It exasperates me as an individual no end though I do not want to be didactic about it.

Nice read! Miles to go...

Prathi:-) said...

hi di.....
lies? white lies? ofcorz.. who can avoid that? dey comprise the most essential spice of life... like the spices t keep the mummmy's body fine... des spices r required to keep our living body fine n wthout whips.... n slashes... etc..;-D
like the ones i say in my off.... like when we're watching spidey3 or trp... im in a client call baby...
or probably dwn sick with very bad head ache/ stomach aches... n its various variants;-)
aftrall... des r white lies baby... explictly said to make evrybdy'z life a wee bit better...
thank abt it... if i dnt tell my co's deleiveryhead dt im out on client call he'll thnk im nt getting business.... wch means no money for back end salary.... etc etc etc... his BP rises... he has a daughter... he has to have his body fit n fine... d list is endless.. but wth this kutti lie.. i make him feel secure wth a non existing deal... hello i shud be sent to heaven for dt;-)
nwz abt our technomaniacs office? wow.... guess dts the situation in almst evry damned IT company;-)
p3 baby... hehehhee yup lies said to save urslf too.. like for eg... me....!!!!! my oh my.. i'll be killed if its knwn i go out of my off....
nwz.. nice wrk di.. abt the coffee machiene n making out bit? hope u get enf time alone to get wht u really wanted babes;-)
ciao:-)
love you:-)
muah:-*

Prathi:-) said...

sorry for the very long comment:-I

JANE JEYAKUMAR said...

geeee the longggggger the better prathi- im jus talkin abt the comments[;)]sathiya after all tat im apprehensive abt havin a babeee[;)]preeti how many tymes have we seen peoples 'positively'tacky clothes n can't say a thing 2 them.. n srini.. love the 'chalta hai' phrase u've used- its the shortest way 2 describe this post..love alll ur comments.. kepp it cumin in..

Susan Isaac said...

Liked that post. As much as we try to avoid harmless white lies, they have become an important part of our lives... Guess these teeny weeny fibs are OK as long as they get you out of scrapes, and they dont hurt anyone else.

UPDATES ON MY OTHER BLOG :)

1. Read my latest post 'wear and tear' ON MY BLOG here:PJ4u-----