Friday, March 21, 2008

WAD-MAD MADas!! CHILLERA CHENNAI!

.................................................................................................................... THE WAD OF NOTES
It’s a lazy Thursday afternoon. The wind outside seems to have picked up a breezy tantrum from some upper air cyclonic circulation over the Southwest Bay off Srilanka-Tamilnadu. A sudden flash of rain hits the brown tiles of the ‘Isical P. Ltd’ portico- a small, but budding software company on the Nungambakkam High Road, Chennai.

Antara sits at her desk, customizing the last few slides in her ‘Comparison of the best Quality models in Customer-interface Processes’ for Abacus, her client. Antara works as a Senior Statistical Analyst at Isical. She digs what she does. After all, she wears a prestigious Six-Sigma Black Belt.

As she saves the presentation in the ‘Abacus’ folder, her stomach sends out tiny hunger growls.
She ponders, ‘Tomorrow being Good Friday and thereby, a holiday, I can simply relish an extended weekend- healthy home food, a few movies, some TV and chilling out with friends.’

She shuts down her notebook, joins her colleagues Bharat and Arthi to the door, and flashes her Id at the glass door sensor. ‘Today, we’ve special Kheer with the North Indian Thali at our canteen. Yumm! Where in heavens is Anoop?’ Antara rattles.

Bharat turns to Antara and says, ‘Anoop is on the way back from a customer place. I’m just waiting for his call.’

Anoop is their team lead, an erstwhile Gulf-return Mallu. He’s one adorably cute guy in his late thirties; the cute being more attached to the soft bald patch on his head, his ever-debatable beer belly, and his penchant for Scotch, Smart women and Suave business strategies. Bharat receives a call from Anoop, and Antara watches the light drizzle outside. It’s a pleasant day.

Bharat returns with a smile. ‘Anoop tells us that he’s treating us at Crescent, since tomorrow is a holiday.’ Crescent is a typical Mallu hotel on the Nungambakkam high Road. It is swamped with the Mallu flavor- Mallu waiters, a lot of middle-aged Mallu businessmen/young, hard hair-gelled, hot-blooded Mallu
Loyolites hogging on Fish curry meals, Kerala Parotta and Sear fish, and Malayalam being tossed around like a patti (dog) on the run. In fact the place is open till around one thirty in the night, and a lot of times you have the ‘party-hard-night-owls’ from Pasha flooding this place for some tummy-pampering after all the booze.

Anoop, Antara and Bharat enter Crescent at 3 pm- sharp. The kitchen is still open. The place is still like a watered down fish market- the noise is not all that loud, but the food, along with its feverish excitement is still up and running. They seat themselves in a place where Anoop can sightadichify (ogle at) the Mallu babe on the opposite side. Antara and Anita giggle at Anoop’s explicit interest in good looking women. They both mime ‘Married Mallu Men!’ in chorus. Anoop’s flour-like complexion goes beet-red. He calls onto Joji, a new waiter at Crescent.

‘I want one Egg Kothu Parotta*** please,’ Antara squeals with delight, at the thought of the Crescent Special melting in her mouth.

‘That’s pretty much her standard order cheta; get me one Mughlai Biriyani***. It would be one non-veg meals for Arthi, four Kerala Parottas and Prawn Biriyani for the muscle-hulk Bharat (everyone chuckles), one sear fish fry**, one chili chicken gravy, two sprites and one water- melon juice ‘without sugar’ for Antara- don’t ask me why, ee kochi (this girl) would eat everything packed with calories on this table, and still have her juice without sugar!
(Shakes his head with a mock sick expression)
Aan madhi joji. (smiles) Korechu fasta konduveran, sheriyo’ (that’s enough Joji, sent the food a little fast, alright.)

‘The juice with sugar chokes my throat Anoop. I cannot even taste the watermelon,’ slurps Bharat in a frigging good impersonation of Antara’s ‘I’m-pukey-voice’. (Everyone is splitting up, even Antara)

In an attempt to divert the joke that is right now on her, Antara rushes in, ‘I can never believe I keep coming to this place that reeks of all this Mallu fraternal bonding. I mean, it really goes whizzing past my pea-brain. How can two Mallus always get all over each other?’

Anoop is quick to retort, ‘a) You're reaffirming my conclusions about your pea-brain.b)being a non-mallu, you're jealous you can never get you hands all over sexy malu nri guyz b) you really must love your Crescent Egg Kothu Porotta beyond reason to keep coming here c)you can never resist my company (winks)-I'm the only mallu man you can get all over.’

Bharat says, ‘You’re wrong. Actaully, she can never resist a treat. Period.

I’m a Tamil Maghan, but the Mughlai Biriyani and Kerala Parotta are too good to really give them a miss.’

Anita pokes Bharat in the rib, ‘aaa ooh na, azhaghiya tamil Maghan Vijay nu nannaipu.’ (You talk like you’re actor Vijay at the drop of a hat)

Bharat replies with a twinkle in his eye, ‘Men like Anoop and me ooze with the charm, you see.’

Soon, the buzz diverts to Anita’s upcoming wedding in Kerala, upper-echelon politics in the organization, clients and their antics amidst other things. They end the meal with grunts, stifled burps of satisfaction and a pretty yummy coconut soufflé. Anoop asks for the bill. It comes in as 300 bucks. Anoop exclaims, ‘To the DOT!’ He places a 500 rupee note, and chews on the sounf and paan, as we all stand to leave.

The change comes in. It holds a WAD of notes- two hundred rupee notes, one fifty buck, and five tens.
Anoop collects the change, save for a solitary ten buck note as tips.

The minute we step out of the restaurant, he swears,Mallu or not, Indian mentality never changes. He had to slip in those five ten bucks, and not two full hundreds, not trusting a regular like me to leave him a ten as tips. PATTI!’
*************
That, I hope was a good enough entree in a Chennai (Mallu or otherwise) meal. We count our money to the last penny. We lick and count our wad of notes like we lick our thair sadam(curd rice). No amount of world-class Kleenex butt-wipes can swipe our butts clean off our calculative instincts- we still prefer using our hands and a mug of water, gross as it may sound.
Ever wondered how you end up with a 25 paise coin in a kirana (street)shop?
Ever wondered why buying one cigarette and not a pack, in a potti kada(cornerstore) is quite unique to Chennai/ India?
Ever wondered why we would spend a 20,000 on a chic mobile, but crib when the auto guy asks us for an extra 10?
Ever wondered why we walk out of T-Nagar Saravana Stores aadi thallupadi (seasonal sale) with a million dollar smile and million dollar rags in corny bags?
Ever wonder why our beggars never throw back a one rupee coin we give him, even though he feels we’re condescending? Ever wondered why the ‘Times of India’ is launching in Chennai at a reported RS.2?’
I think I can give you ten bucks for the answer- you can retain the change!
Share with us how miserably calculative you’ve got! Don’t be ashamed! I’ve bickered over a one rupee chillera coin-chill man!




11 comments:

PREETI said...

hehe...chillarai is me di :) considrin hw much i earn... ;)

initially when i came down to chennai i kept comparin everythin with bak thr...so when an auto guy said 20 bux, i ws like 20= 200 fils...oh my god tatz like CHEAPPP!!!

n then fast forwardin 9 yrs here and if the auto guy says 20 bux(ofcourse in present day chennai, anythin below 40 is a lost number!)i am lke- fuckin, mofo, choothiya..20 bux for a 0.5 km distance...arivu illa? moola illa? n so on...yes tis is hw we chnge...i bargain with autos like thrz no tom... :) tatz hw chillarai i gt :)

luv u :)

Winds of Change said...

hey babe...

i try n bargain wen it comez to ricks.....the auto guys here are sooooooooooo sick!....btw...dnt trust p3z coment ONE BIT!!!!!!!!11 .....shell even pay 100 bucks from citi centre to ur place....!!!

rup

Winds of Change said...

hey babe...

i try n bargain wen it comez to ricks.....the auto guys here are sooooooooooo sick!....btw...dnt trust p3z coment ONE BIT!!!!!!!!11 .....shell even pay 100 bucks from citi centre to ur place....!!!

rup

PREETI said...

ruby...tatz cuz u OVER bargain :P so shshh!

rantravereflect said...

haaaaaaaaaaa... peeto, we all know how much ya love collecting coins- infact, ya shud 've aaded tat as one of ya quirly traits, i wunder how ya missed tat!!!!

n ruby wuby, we'll call peeto 'chill pill' as a shorter version of 'chillera preeti'
muhahahahahaaha..

n girls, start savin sum chillera for this saturday :)

rantravereflect said...

quirky*

Prathi:-) said...

hey di:)
hmmm chillarathanam???? i dnt knw why... i can go n spend 100s in landmark without evn thnking... but auto guy????? gosh... i hate them!!!!!
but im sure p3 will say... u pay way too much to the auto guy... u dnt knw to bargain.... d thng is im always in a hurry.. n they jus take advantage of it... or probbaly... i thnk its written on my face that they can charge a lot:( i dnt knw;)

nwz... satz done n gone;) or were u talking abt this sat???? ny plans di????

rantravereflect said...

geeee :)
yeh satz dun n gone, but im game 4 somethin this saturday tooooooo..

yehh auto guys are arseholes, but i think ya're forever in a damn hurry!- slow down, stop running, n bargain, trust me, it 'd help ya save you sum good money and save you from bad jerks to your leg :)

lurvvvv
jj

The Techno Maniac said...

Here we June.. my calculativeness are with rick guys.. once i just got down at Central (from Hyd) and the auto guy asked me 180 rs to take me home. I told him that I would like to be dropped at RA Puram and dont have to return to central...

I generally am not calculative di.. i just spend money like water.. esp if its my frnds.. keka vendam.. I know i am at fault.. but nthin is compared to the satisfaction i derive, when i see them smile! after all.. Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we might as well drink and have fun! and some times.. Some of the best decisions we make in life are also one of the scariest.. dnt ya think bunny??

Cheers,
TM

JANE JEYAKUMAR said...

YA'RE right- theres no point of being to calculative in life- n ya, for tehsakle of frenz, i've always see ya give in wataver ya can, money or otherwise,,
at the same time, i haven't seen ya waste money on a random auto/on unnecessary stuff- guess it matterz where we shud spend without really thinkin too much, and where to have the purse strings tightened..

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